4 weeks, 1 day pregnant!!!

Posted on September 16, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

I haven’t been very active lately – trying to stay not ttc obsessed and updating my blog elsewhere has kept me kind of occupied. And now, trying not to obsess about another chemical pregnancy has my thoughts wrapped up 24 hours a day!

On Sunday, September 12 (12dpo), my husband’s and my one-year anniversary of both our wedding and trying to conceive, i got this (sorry for the huge pictures, too… although i resize them when creating the post, they always turn out full size when i hit publish, i do not know why):

I had taken a test two days before and it was negative, so i was totally shocked! The only reason i tested again was because my temperature hadn’t fallen when it usually does, but i had no symptoms so i couldn’t believe it! I’ve spent the past four days (going on five today!) in shock and awe and hoping with every fiber of my being that this one turns out ok. So far, so good. I’ve had some mild cramping, with yesterday being the worst, and a teeny tiny bit of brownish spotting off and on. I know that this is all perfectly and completely normal, but it’s hard not to freak out. Oh yeah – and my boobs? Rather sensitive! That never happens to me so it’s kind of a new sensation.

I’d been using the Circle + Bloom natural cycle program and it made a huge difference for me this past month in terms of stress and anxiety. The biggest, most amazing impact that i noticed was how much it allowed me to begin trusting my own body again. Now that i’ve reached this stage, i’ve realized how important it is for me to continue that, and so i continue with daily relaxation and visualizations… Anything that can help me stay calm and accept this process, one day at a time, is so helpful to me.

Although only the size of a poppyseed, our little visitor has been quite busy setting up house and it is to this that i attribute the occasional spot or two:

Cells tunneling into my uterine lining seems like a good culprit, right?!

So. Forgive me if i don’t post often… I don’t intend to inundate people with my daily fears and questions. Assume that no news is good news!

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Egg White!

Posted on August 29, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

The title of this post may have tipped you off already, but can i just say how freaking excited i am when i get egg white cervical mucus? It’s, like, the best thing ever. This has happened to me – as of today – a total of twice in the year that we’ve been trying. Hot damn i’ve got egg white! Last time, r said that he thinks i’ve probably had it before and just haven’t noticed. Now, that is entirely possible, and he’s probably right. At the same time, i mean, i check this shit thoroughly and i don’t think i would have missed it easily. Both times that i’ve seen it now, it hasn’t been like ‘oh wow, i see how that may have gone unnoticed.’ No, instead it has been more like

Egg white cervical mucus does not guarantee that i will get pregnant. Quite the contrary – the month that i got pregnant, i never noticed it and the one other time i’ve noticed it, i didn’t get pregnant. That being said, i get so damn excited because i feel like it’s one of the only really good truly measurable physical signs that things are working right in my body. Specifically, i feel like it’s a good indication that my hormone levels are at the right places – cause that stuff is all about the estrogen balance, right? So speaking of that, here’s today’s saliva pic:

I’m calling this a “snowflake” pattern. So looking at that, i really feel like yesterday was some pretty full ferning, no? And that actually makes sense to me. Estrogen is supposed to peak first (and that’s what causes the ferns), and then LH. So it would make sense that i would see ferns like this several days earlier than i should be ovulating. Oh right, by the by, those opks ended up arriving yesterday and i’ve been peeing away on them. No positive, but i tested this afternoon and the line was pretty strong.* Had i not been drinking coffee, i think it may have been positive and i think that i’ll see a smiley face tomorrow for sure.

But: neither the almost-positive opk nor the ferns have me anywhere near as excited as the egg white stuff. I woke up feeling a little, ahem, friskier than usual today (something i can’t actually say has happened thoroughly spontaneously in longer than i’m happy with) and i plan to take full advantage of that. Incidentally, i take that also as a sign that not only are my hormones at the right balance, but so are my head and emotions and i think i’m happier about that than about anything else.

*Supposedly the intensity of the lines doesn’t matter with digitals, but i have thrown that idea out the window. They totally do. I do not know exactly how the digitals work, but i am 110% sure there’s something that gauges the intensity of the lines because those lines match up exactly with the non-digitals, it’s just that something interprets it for you instead of you doing it yourself. At least for me they work the same way: when i eject those puppies, a positive is just two lines of the same intensity and a non-positive is anything else, i get a fade-in pattern just the same way, and it has been that way for the 6+ months i’ve been using them. Maybe i should stop spending so much money on them now that i’ve figured that out?

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ferning?

Posted on August 28, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

I had planned to use opks this month, but my shipment from Amazon went to the old address first and won’t be here in time for me to catch things. I started to feel really stressed out about this, and yesterday at the store considered buying the non-digitals. And then i had a little conversation with myself. Do i really need them? I’m temping, so i’ll know when it happens. And it happens right around(ish) the same time every month. And as far as sex goes, we’re doing what’s right for us anyway, seeing those two lines won’t change it. In the end, i decided it would only add more stress to everything and that hey, i can spend on the money on pregnancy tests in a few weeks instead. Yes, it was an epiphany moment in the aisles of Fred Meyer.

But i’d also figured i might as well see what my saliva is up to since i have the microscope and all. So for the last few days i’ve been looking at that, too. Now, despite my month’s worth of pictures, i wasn’t really sure what those “ferns” were telling me, if anything. So there’s that. But i’m wondering – is this ferning i’m seeing?

I was looking at the photos on my ferning page and didn’t see any exactly like this. The closest i could find was cd14 from that month (today is cd11), although the slide above contains a lot more of them. In case you’re wondering (which i doubt you are), the previous days didn’t look anything like this – yesterday i only tentatively considered it “partial” for the first time.

So. Should i be having the “do i really need to be doing this?” conversation with myself again? I don’t know. I don’t think so. This is way more fun than opks, like interpretive dance. And definitely makes for way better photo material. And seeing something that ‘kinda sorta resembles ferns’ doesn’t particularly add to the pressure of trying to conceive, at least not yet. So i’ll see what the developments are over the next few days, and keep you updated.

In the meantime, today we’re headed Cascade Locks for “PCT Days.” R hiked the Pacific Crest Trail way back before my time, and one of his fellow hikers has organized this annual event to raise awareness and money to support the trail (and just generally as an excuse to have a weekend-long party). R says it’s absolutely gorgeous there (i mean, really, is there a non-gorgeous area in this part of the world?) and i’m excited to get back into our routine of exploring the northwest. Forecast is for 71 degrees and sun, we’re bringing our fishing poles and i’m bringing my knitting… i plan to enjoy the hell out of this summer weekend!

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Fertility treatment is expensive.

Posted on August 20, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

For now, here’s where things stand: i have an appointment with an RE who is in my insurance’s preferred provider network. Except that she’s listed as an OB with my insurance, but is no longer seeing patients at the regular old health center and is now only seeing people through the fertility clinic. My insurance doesn’t cover fertility related anything, so what will they classify this appointment as? An initial “office visit” (the actual technical term for the appointment i have) is – ready? – up to $560. Got it? Almost SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS for a consultation.  So here’s what happens: the office requires a $405 deposit at the time of the visit. But before the actual appointment, they’ll contact my insurance to see if they’ll pay for any percentage of it. Then, the doctor’s office will figure out what my actual cost would be, and they’ll charge me that at the visit. I think the idea is that if the insurance won’t pay for any of it, then they’ll take the deposit and then bill the rest. But if my payment is less, then they’ll only charge me that. And they’ll contact me before the visit (she said honestly it would likely only be a day before) to let me know what my cost will be, and i can cancel or reschedule at that time if i need to. Jesus christ.

So currently i have an appointment on September 10. I’m actually really loving that timeframe, and here’s why: my progesterone test is going to be on September 7. So that means i’ll know a) the results of that and b) how my doctor wants to handle those results and me. In other words – i’ll be armed to actually make a decision come the 10th. I’ll know whether i want to continue with the doctor i saw yesterday or whether it’ll be time for a change. I just hope that if change is required, i’ll be able to afford it. That’s the thing. I mean, honestly, if my insurance won’t pay for any of it, I’ll probably cancel the appointment. But i guess i’ll cross that bridge when i come to it.

So in the end, i’m kinda right back where i was before i ever even made the doctor’s appointment the other day. I figured it would be next month before i could see anyone anyway, so we’re still on our own this cycle. I’m going to concentrate on the good news, which is that there is at least a test in the works, and i do have an appointment with an RE should we decide we want to stick with that plan, despite the cost.

Anyone know what independent insurance for this kind of thing would run? I hate this country’s insurance industry. Why the hell aren’t fertility issues covered by almost anyone?

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well what now?

Posted on August 19, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

recap in less than complete sentences because i’m too pissed off and disappointed to do more:

the doctor was friendly, thorough, and knowledgeable – and totally unwilling to prescribe anything. (my exact words to her regarding Clomid were “that is a step i’d like to take.”)

she wants me to come in for a progesterone level check on cycle day 21 to make sure i’ve ovulated, and that those levels are where they’re supposed to be. will reconsider clomid depending on this data.

my charts look “great!” – i appear to be ovulating regularly.

like my other doctor, she’s concerned about my low weight and wants me to gain 5-10 pounds. 10 pounds?! i have never weighed 120 pounds in my life. not ever.

she is resetting the clock to January before she’s willing to call it a year because of the chemical. EXCUSE ME!? i really do not think a chemical pregnancy should count enough to reset the fucking clock! AND she kept saying “February” which is completely wrong.

in the end, i got the exact same shit as from my other doctor: “Oh, i think i’ll be seeing you back here very soon” wink wink. Look where that got me.

I think what i’ve decided is this: i’m giving her this test, that’s fine, i’m interested in the results anyway. And then, if she doesn’t want to do anything more, i’m going to tell her that as far as I am concerned, it has indeed been a year, and I want to take the next step. I’m going to ask her to prescribe me Clomid unless it would actually do harm. And if she doesn’t want to, i’m going to tell her that i need a more aggressive doctor and will be looking for someone new.

I cannot fucking hear “just keep trying” one more time. This is killing me. I went from feeling devastated at my period yesterday to extremely hopeful and optimistic about the appointment to feeling even more devastated today hearing that i’ve only been trying for 8 months, apparently!!! (“just over 6″ according to the doctor because she kept saying fucking February.)

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‘and when it comes it’s so, so disappointing’

Posted on August 18, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

Period, day 1. For all my super duper i-don’t-care attitude this month, this still sucks. Why the fuck can’t i get pregnant? One thing is for sure, the “just relax” theory has been 100% debunked. First of all, you can’t get any more relaxed than 4mg of ativan and secondly, i was genuinely and truly refuckinglaxed this month. So. F that.

Also: wtf luteal phase? I didn’t get a positive opk until cycle day 15, but here my period is on cycle day 25. So at absolute best, my luteal phase was 10 days this time around, and likely a day or two shorter. Isn’t it, like, not supposed to change? I swear it’s been getting consistently shorter.

image from "Hyperbole and a Half" by Allie Brosh

I admit it, i’m sad today. I don’t even feel quite my usual level of anger or frustration, just fucking disappointed. I had decided to wait until my new insurance kicks in next month before seeing a doctor… i don’t know. Maybe i should have the initial consultation earlier. I’m just not sure. My thought was maybe i’d go totally holistic next time – cut waaaay back on caffeine, no alcohol, lots of quiet, meditative time, that sort of thing during the next 2ww. And then when i see the doctor i can assure them that i have done every single thing possible. Maybe i’ll make some insurance calls today, just to see…

update: finish writing post, think “this is ridiculous.” I figured i should at least call about a doctor. Knowing that i won’t be able to get in for a little while anyway, and that if they decide to do go with anything like the Clomid route that – since today is already day 1 – it’ll be next cycle before we can do anything, i might as well get the ball rolling. Call the hospital (OHSU) where there are some docs within my UCSD insurance network. The receptionist was very nice but did say that, yes, they are scheduling new patients way out right now. After explaining what this is all for, she looks for a doctor in my network and says, “You know what? I’ve had a couple of cancellations… can you come in tomorrow at 1pm?” YES. Yes, i can! We made the appointment. She said, “You’re very lucky!” (in a sweet way, not an i’m-doing-you-such-a-huge-favor way). Now, this is just a general appointment to lay the groundwork, but i really hope something comes out of it. I can tell you i’m favoring this approach greatly over the holistic one. Things are starting out promising, anyhow.

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Nearing the end of the 2ww – and the one year wait

Posted on August 17, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

Believe it or not, i’ve actually been in a 2ww here. It’s been, i think, the most mellow one since we started trying a year ago. With a move to a new and wonderful city, i’ve finally been occupied by something outside of my reproductive system for a while. I feel, for the very first time in this whole year, like myself again. I’ve been job hunting and exploring the city and making curtains and setting up house. And we made cat stairs!

Well, we just took some IKEA shelves and mounted them as stairs, but it’s awesome and i love it! So yes, this is the sort of thing that’s been keeping me occupied. It’s a nice change from hours of google searches for what’s the earliest i can get a positive pregnancy test, symptoms 9dpo, how long ttc before you lost your mind.

I haven’t been temping for the last couple of cycles because of all the craziness with the move, but i did something weird and started a couple of days ago, at what i think was about 9dpo. I had actually taken a test that morning, very much on a whim. It was negative and i didn’t expect otherwise and it didn’t even bother me! But i started tracking my temperature because i kind of figured that even at this stage, i’d be able to detect a temp drop that would indicate my period coming up, because my temperatures are really regular and there’s a very stable pattern to go by. So i think i saw that drop this morning, although obviously only time will tell.

Well, this will make it one year for us, officially. I’ve switched schools with this move, and next month my new insurance will kick in. So i’ve decided at that point it’s time to go see a doctor. Actually, i wanted to see one this month but it just doesn’t make any sense with the insurance situation. So that gives us one extra month to pull out all the stops and see what we can do on our own… Honestly, though, i’m sort of relieved to finally have the prospect of putting things, at least partially, in someone else’s hands. I don’t know what they’ll be able to do for me, but it’s got to be more than i’ve been able to do for myself, hasn’t it?

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Aaand we have ovulation

Posted on August 4, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

Soon, anyway. A positive opk on cycle day 15!? What is my body doing? Well, i’m just glad it’s here for now. I almost didn’t catch it, either. Since we’ve been staying in places other than our house, and especially here where the bathroom is shared with r’s brother, i haven’t been leaving various conception-related items strewn about, which means i forget them because they’re not in plain sight. So i got up this morning and about 3/4 of the way through peeing realized i needed to be doing it on a stick. Luckily, i had just enough pee left for a positive!

So here’s the hilarious part: i have a dentist appointment today and i suck about going to the dentist. I’m a big fat baby about it, so i take drugs that make me all weird and loopy and pretty much knock me out for the day and then i don’t really remember almost any of the experience. So that’s today’s plan. Pretty great baby-making setup, no?

Happy ovulation day! Hey, these drugs exist solely for the purpose of ensuring relaxation, so here’s another way to put that theory to the test…

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My apartment echoes

Posted on July 28, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

Well friends, i’m in that stretch of nothing interesting happening in my nether regions, so all apologies for the boringness on the blog of late. Also, tomorrow is get-everything-out-of-the-house-except-the-bed-and-television day, so i’ve been a bit preoccupied with the move. My poor cats think we’ve decided to turn our house into a monastery and they will be forbidden toys, climbing objects, and comfortable cushions to destroy for the rest of their lives.

This morning i decided to try out the self-cleaning feature of our oven. I figured that’d give me enough time to still go buy oven cleaner if it didn’t work. Press “self-clean,” check. Trip circuit breaker, check. That’s some powerful cleaning mode. And do you know what is completely ridiculous? I’ve never remedied that situation before in my life. And Rob is supposed to be joining a conference call for work at any second and i have just killed power to his computer. Feeling that this was in some manner my fault, i set off to find the breaker box. Located it, opened it, ready for some wild guessing sure to cause more havoc. Do you know what’s in there? A handful of switches, all of which are clearly in an on position save one. The instructions say: If a circuit has been “tripped” to the middle position, turn off and then on. I comply and lo, the power is restored. So it turns out that this is neither scary nor complicated. Who knew? I would have, if i’d ever volunteered to investigate such a situation before. (In my defense, it’s not like this happens all the time or anything.)

my morning: an artist's rendering

So off we go on Saturday morning and I CAN’T WAIT! For our honeymoon last year, r and i took a leisurely road trip from Oregon down to San Diego by way of Crater Lake, Tahoe, and Yosemite. It was fucking amazing. It was also the first time we really, really started trying. I’d had my IUD removed the month before and we weren’t exactly careful, but that was the first true attempt. So i told r this is going to be like our honeymoon all over again! He said “in reverse” – i asked if that means we’re getting divorced at the end…

I have also put in a call to the doc i’ve been seeing at the health center here. Do you know how many times she told me to just keep trying, that she was just so sure she’d see me back there for a pregnancy test “very soon”? Sigh. Well, she’s on vacation right now, but when she returns she’ll have a message from me that it’s now been a year (it will be in August and i’m sure my period is coming again next month – how’s that for positivity when i haven’t even ovulated yet) and we’re ready to find out what the options are in terms of next steps, and i’m looking for a referral for a doctor in Oregon. So hopefully, fingers crossed, that means we can get the ball rolling on this business!

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Officially out

Posted on July 22, 2010 by homebrewedbaby

Period started this morning – my body caught up with my mind, i guess. Way back – a week ago – when i was more relaxed about this month, my plan had been to wait until this Friday (tomorrow) to test. Even though i hadn’t been tracking ovulation as precisely as usual, i knew i’d be due for my period around then and figured if i hadn’t seen a sign of it, that would be a good time. I never cease to amaze myself in my ability to overestimate my own will power. Anyhow, if i had just stuck with that plan, i wouldn’t have even needed to use a test… Then again, i would have been writhing in impatient agony for the last four days, too.

The positives to all of this: my period is right on time again, for once, and appears thus far to be starting out normally, unlike last month. So there you have it. I get to use my First Response fertility test this weekend, whee! And you know what i just realized? The header for my blog comes from August of my Mibo calendar. All right, i’ll give in and be a “signs” person for just a moment…

Posted in trying-to-conceive | Tagged | 3 Comments